Getting past the breakup and divorce was not supposed to lead to loneliness, but for most of us loneliness hits like a ton of bricks. Life being free of the pain was supposed to be better and well, free. But here we are in more pain than ever. And if we think about it we can recognise loneliness as a factor in our lives from way back. It feels like a curse. We were supposed to get past all that and be successful human beings who would get married and live happily ever after.
Let’s look at what loneliness is, and how we experience it throughout our lives. Jean Vanier states that part of what it means to be human is to feel lonely. Loneliness includes feeling unseen, and unheard. The longing to be heard and known is so deep that when that need is not met we feel pain in the core of our being.
Children long for connection, understanding and love from parents who themselves long for connection, understanding and love, and even in the best of loving families can feel lonely and abandoned. Teenagers need to belong and when they have difficulty finding their group they experience the distress of feeling friendless and isolated.
As anyone who has experienced a move knows there are times in life where it feels like no one knows us. No one understands our way of being, our little quirks, our sense of humour, or our history. Feelings of isolation and alienation can be overpowering in this setting. When adult children move out, and their friends no longer come over to play, the house becomes silent, and parents feel destitute and forsaken. When people retire from their job they can feel companionless and disconnected from their previous life. Losing a child and all those hopes and dreams brings an ache and longing for that child that will never go away.
Loneliness is often a part of a marriage that breaks up. I remember lying in bed at night next to my husband and feeling disconnected, and desolated. Losing a spouse, through death or divorce, creates the loss of that person who knew you, lived with you, and had common everyday connection. And even if the relationship turned bad, that common everyday familiarity when lost creates a new brand of loneliness.
Reflections:
1. What are some other times in your life where you felt lonely?
2. Has there been a common theme through your lonely times?
3. What internal judgments have you made about yourself for feeling lonely?
written by: Bev van Diepen,
guest writer