You will discover that friendships change after divorce. In fact you can lose a lot of friends. This is painful and it helps to understand what is really going on.
A friend of mine at work complained, “Suddenly this couple whom I have been friends with for a long time doesn’t want me around them anymore. It’s like she is afraid that now that I am divorced suddenly I will want her husband. I never did before and I don’t now. And other couples can’t seem to decide who they are friends with: me or my ex. What is wrong that we can’t still be friends?”
As you have become a single person you now become an eligible love partner and can be threatening to your married friends. If their marriage is a little shaky your divorce can be a little too close for their comfort. A friend of mine expressed the fear that if it could happen to me- and she knew how hard I had worked to keep it together- than it could happen to her. She talked about really paying attention to her marriage and family because of the pain she saw me going through.
You lose the friends who side with your ex. A couple I had been close to talked to me about their struggle about having to choose me or my ex. They felt like they were in the middle, and that if they chose me they were abandoning my ex. And it was difficult for them to be with either of us in face of the pain both of us were experiencing.
Then there is the fact that as a newly single you step out of the mainstream, which is all about couples. Divorced people join the single subculture in our society which is less acceptable to many and this can be a difficult adjustment. You have suddenly become available where as a married person you did not even think about members of the opposite sex as available because you were surrounded by the safe cocoon of marriage. You are now “Out There”
As you adapt to being single you will see that you won’t lose everyone, but there will be changes in most of your relationships.
-written by Beverly van Diepen
Reflections:
1.. Short list people who may be conflicted about being your “friend” during this process.
2. Name those people who you feel are supportive of you at this time.
3. From the above list, which 2 – 3 friends, can you reach out to for regular and support encouragement during this transitional time?
