According to Dr. Bruce Fisher, in “Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends,” there are 2 distinct groups involved. “Dumpers” end the relationship, while “dumpees” have it ended for them. Each group adjusts to the end of the relationship in different ways, where dumpers feel more guilt and dumpees feel more rejection. Dumpers start their adjustment while still in the love relationship, but dumpees start their adjustment later. Understanding whether you are the dumper or the dumpee is the first step in growing after your relationship ends.
Dumpees experience more emotional pain at the point of separation, especially in the areas of letting go and anger. The dumpee is usually still deeply in love with the dumper when the relationship ends. Dumpers begin to let go while in the relationship.
Dumpers and dumpees have trouble working together because the timing is different. The dumper is in the wrong time and place when an internal explosion took place. Because Intellectual understanding often precedes emotional understanding, we will first endeavor to identify and understand the different perspectives and roles, before we dive into the two areas of emotional pain that each party experiences.
Are you the Dumper or the Dumpee?
Read the following statements to see where the shoe fits:
Dumper
“I need some time and space to get my head on straight
“I need to be out of this relationship in order to get time and space.”
“I care for you, but don’t love you – I just know that I need out.”
“I feel bad for hurting you, but there is nothing I can do about that because staying with you would also hurt you.”
“Can we be friends?”
Dumpee
“Please don’t leave me.”
“Why don’t you love me.”
“Tell me what is wrong with me and I will change.
“There must be something wrong with me, and I don’t know what it is.”
“Please tell me what I did wrong.”
“I thought we had a good love relationship and I don’t see why you want to leave.
“Please give me some more time before you leave.”
Difference in priorities
Dumper
- Wants to work on personal growth
- Unhappy in the relationship
- Doesn’t have any more time
- Wants out of the relationship
Dumpee
- Wants to work on the relationship
- Afraid to express anger
- Is hurt and cries
- Becomes introspective
- Tries to understand what went wrong
- Fears the relationship ending
Are you a “GOOD” or “BAD” dumper or dumpee?
Although there are few who fit perfectly into the following four categories. It is helpful to read the following explanations and see where you best fit, or the combination in which you fit. Self-awareness is the first step in personal growth.
Good Dumper
This is a person who has tried to work on the love relationship in order to make it last. They are willing to invest emotionally in trying to change, and go for marriage counseling if appropriate. Finally, the dumper realized that the relationship was destructive to both people and that it is better to end an unhealthy relationship than continue to destroy each other. This person has the courage and strength to end the relationship.
Bad Dumper
Bad Dumpers are like runaway kids. They believe the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, and that all that is needed for happiness is to get out of the relationship. Often there is another love relationship waiting in the wings.
Good Dumpee
They are open and honest, willing to work on the relationship, and willing to go for counseling if appropriate. They seldom have had an affair, and have likely worked hard on communicating.
Bad Dumpee
Bad dumpees are people who want out of the relationship but do not have the courage and strength to be the dumper. They make it miserable for the other person who is then faced into being the dumper. p. 91
Reflections:
- Identify your role in your love relationship – dumper or dumpee?
- How were you “Good” or “Bad” in your above role?
- Can you identify with the emotional pain of your ex-partner, and see it your separation from their perspective?
Whether you are the dumper or the dumpee, a certified divorce coach can help you ensure the process goes smoothly. Contact Sandy to book an appointment today! For more advice on separation and divorce, be sure to visit the blog. If you are in the separation phase with your marital partner, check out Separation Guidelines – How to Have a Successful Separation.
