When you go through divorce you end up going through a grieving process that may seem unnecessary or unbelievable, but is very real and necessary to go through. Divorce is a loss of many things on many levels and they all need to be grieved properly to get to the other side which is health and wholeness, the ability to have relationships and the life you want.
Grief is hard to face. Initially you live in denial that anything needs to be grieved or let go of. You pretend everything is just fine. You know: it was time to let go an empty marriage. She had an affair, nothing to do with me, I’ll be fine. He was so closed it was for the best. He was abusive, life was impossible. I will just move on. These are things you tell yourself and others hoping that is all there is to it.
And so you put on a brave front. Pretend all is well. You are aware there is no joy or lightness or fun. You are weary beyond belief. You drag yourself through the days, evenings and nights: one foot after the other. You sigh.
You go to sleep at night and sometimes when you wake up, just before your brain kicks in, all is normal, but then you remember. Life feels unreal, like you are in the movie of someone else’s life.
I remember driving down the highway after work feeling this terrible disconnection between what had been my life and what was now happening. Surely this was all some sort of mirage. I felt like something was terribly wrong, I was a robot on autopilot, going through the motions of someone else’s life.
My emotions felt like they were gone. I was numb to myself, indifferent to others suffering, uncaring. This was not me but I could not make myself feel. I felt depressed.
Written by Beverly vanDiepen
Reflections
1. What are the reasons you are giving yourself for what happened?
2. In what ways do you identify with the symptoms of numbness, unreality, weariness, indifference to others, depression, sighing…
3. How would you say that none of this applies to you?
