One of the interesting things about examining our lives after the breakup is what we see that we did not see before. Something you might discover is where your family of origin still pops up in your life. Family of origin influences are events that happened in your family before you were born. People, as in your parents, extended family and all their history actively shaped your ideas of how a family should behave and function.
As you grew up you accumulated ideas about how families operate and how they don’t. Depending on how healthy your family was determines to a large extent the amount of healthy ideas about family that you possess. How do we access this insight?
An idea is to look at the most significant parent of the bride and the most significant parent of the groom being married. What would that look like? Would that work?
Consider if you would like a marriage like your parents. If not, what kind of marriage do you want?
There are numerous influences from our family of origin: the choice of family politics, religion, money management, views about loyalty, faithfulness, commitment, time management, work and play, etc. If we have not achieved independence from our family of origin we often marry a person who reflects the values of our most dominant parent.
One way to look at this is to make a list of how your most significant parent would handle the various human emotions: anger, loneliness, fear, guilt, intimacy, rejection, sadness, happiness. Then make a list of how you handle those emotions. When you compare lists you will see how similar or different you are, how you adapted to deficits, whether you have been able to become your own person or whether you still reflect the family values: these leftovers from your past.
In my first marriage I became aware that I was looking to my husband to father me in ways I felt unparented. I wanted him to take care of me, protect me, be tender and loving when I was sad or needed affection. And I wanted my husband to do all of that intuitively, without being told. A good recipe for disappointment at the very least! There are few partners who want to or are even capable of making up for the lacks of past parenting.
There are many other issues that come under the family of origin umbrella: birth order, scapegoating, favouritism, attitudes about authority, mental health issues, boundaries, family history of escaping trauma or war, and many others will influence how we see ourselves and how we relate to our partner.
Reflections:
In what ways do I reflect the values and reactions of my family of origin or my most dominant parent? Practise awareness.
How am I working on these leftovers rather than blaming others for them? I change my attitude to others as I let go my family of origin and become my own person.
