Most often as children we strive to conform and be accepted. We are compliant, follow the rules and learn what we should do. But there comes a time when the compliant child moves on to assert themselves and be their own unique person. Through rebellion the child challenges parental expectations to clarify for themselves which values they will hold onto and which they will not: learning what they should not do.
If that process is incomplete the rebellion can take place within the love relationship and the rebellion that would have been appropriately expressed to the parent will be expressed against the partner. This can be a little crazy making for the other partner if they do not understand what is going on. And when the rebelling partner lays blame on the other partner, it is hard not to take all this personally and often relationships blow up right here.
The other side to this process is the partner who is parental, and who now needs to see that, step back, let go control, and let their rebelling partner become the person they choose to be. Becoming a whole, responsible adult takes courage to look at what is going on, recognise the incompletions and take the steps to work this through.
Power struggles evolve from this process or from any other area of unresolved issues in a person’s life.
I remember discovering wild sorrel while weeding my Dad’s garden before the age of 5. Then I married a man who had never gardened but who insisted he needed to instruct me on the art of gardening. There just might have been some yelling, loudly, outside in said garden, for the entire neighbourhood to hear…
Power struggles are lessened when each person learns to talk honestly about their feelings, learns to use “I” messages rather than “You” messages, takes personal responsibility for their own issues and when each partner can love and value the other as a supporter of the growth process, learning from each other.
Love can find a way. Love that is kind, self aware, accepts self and the other person, is patient, open, and honest, willing to be open and take risks, learning from mistakes, has healthy boundaries, can express anger and frustration without blame and judgment, balances interdependence and independence: from a place of choice.
Reflections:
1. Where do you see that you or your ex partner have unresolved teenage issues, or parental issues?
2. What have the power struggles revealed to you about you?
3. What would be the next step to nurturing love in your life?
