The nature of trust is to believe in, to rely on, to have confidence in, to depend on, or to have faith in. When you think about those concepts and relationships what comes up?
If what comes up right away are thoughts like “You can’t trust men, (women) or “Love equals pain” you are saying more about yourself than the men or women you do not trust. There is a severe love wound that is not healed yet.
A part of facing and recovering from a love wound is the opportunity to examine the past: the distant past where we learned to trust, or not to trust, our parents. If we learned that to love is to be hurt then trusting anyone is terrifying.
When we learn not to trust at a young age life has a way of bringing us the experiences that confirm that as truth along life’s path. When our love relationship falls apart it confirms that people are not to be trusted: we lose trust in others. We can accuse ourselves of being at fault because we attracted what we got and then flounder because we cannot trust our own judgment.
In psychology it is called cognitive dissonance when we want one thing but at the same time run away from that. It is to hold two opposite values at the same time. We are hard wired for connection. And we can’t trust… How do we overcome all the conflict right within our own heart about love and trust?
There are several parts of this to look at. Reworking and improving how we get along with our parents can bring healing in those relationships. We need to see them as human. We also need to accept that the past is done. There is no going back. We cannot change the past in any way. With, or without malicious intent, who were they being then? Each of us learned to respond to love, anger, rejection, and intimacy from our own parents, good, bad or otherwise. What did we take that to mean about ourselves? What do we have to let go of in order to be able to trust our own selves, our judgment, and our ability to relate to people and be close?
Acknowledging our own humanity and examining our own heart beliefs about trust, in others and ourselves helps us see. But seeing is only the start. Then we do the work to accept who we are, forgive ourselves in our past, forgive others in our past, and have value for ourselves. From that vantage we take a look at new relationships.
Reflections
1. reflect bck upon childhood, when was trustt broken between you and your mom, and you and your dad?
2. What old beliefs are you hanging on to regarding trust?
3. What beliefs do you need to let go of, that no longer serves you?
