Most people who go through the divorce process will come to a realization of who they are sexually and what their sexual nature is. It may be that they have not thought about it before and this time clarifies how sex is part of who they are, that they want to be sexual, and that it is a powerful part of their life. The sex drive is an appetite like our need for food is an appetite. We have desire and we have control. The horny phase feels like desire out of control.
People choose to have sex outside of a committed relationship, and during this phase, can have many sexual relationships. They look to sexual encounter as a way to resolve the horny phase and as a way to heal them sexually after divorce. There are definite health related concerns in this age of AIDS, Chlamydia, various forms of Herpes, Hepatitis B, and other sexually transmitted diseases. These are serious and widespread health problems which you want to protect yourself and others from by using safe sexual practices.
People choose not to have sex during this phase for various reasons. Our society was based on religious values historically. This dictated having a sexual relationship with a marriage partner. When people, who hold these values, have a non-marital sexual relationship or experience, they can experience a lot of guilt. For them no sex outside marriage equals no guilt. They prefer to bond within a committed relationship. This is an appropriate choice for those with strong moral views. There is an imprinting and bonding that takes place and can feel safest when in a committed emotional relationship.
There are others who avoid sex who are primarily concerned with avoiding both disease and pregnancy.
Our society pushes sex on us at every turn. Sex is used to sell everything from cars to condominiums and youth is glorified. The media view point most often does not live out in reality and it can be difficult to keep a realistic perspective on sexuality.
I have been asked several times how long this phase lasts. It’s like a woman in labour asking the precise prediction of the time of delivery. Just realize that another growth aspect of the divorce process is to grow through your sexuality. Eventually you will realize a more normal-for-you sex drive, the third stage of post-divorce sexuality.
Healthy sexual adjustment after divorce means that you realize an awareness of your own sexuality, grow beyond a focus only on physical sex, and have an ability to have a whole rounded relationship with others that will include sex in the appropriate circumstance.
In your personal style of sexuality you want to have a genuine expression of you as a unique person, your values and morality. You want to be equally concerned your self-fulfillment and with the other person’s needs and well-being, and you do not want to be hurtful to others or society at large.
Evidence is pretty clear that one emotional relationship at a time is the most supportive of a sexual relationship. Effective communication, love, trust, understanding, and respect for each other create room for healthy sexuality in relationship.
To think about:
Am I able to behave the way I want and feel is right for me, even if it does not meet others expectations?
Do I feel capable of having a deep and meaningful sexual relationship when it becomes appropriate? Have I developed enough building blocks for relationship?
