Being single is about developing yourself as an individual person. All people benefit from developing their own individuality and independence whether they are in a relationship or not.
More than independence is the idea that being single is about being a whole person not just looking for your lost half, able to choose relationships with others out of a desire for connection with others, a sharing as opposed to needing someone else to define you.
Singleness is time to plumb your own depths, learn new things because you want to, make internal changes in attitudes and feelings, make the external changes in behaviour and relationships that are necessary for growth. It is a time to look at people as friends, not just as potential lovers, to spend time with children and family, generously giving to them as opposed to resenting them for taking away from your personal life.
At some point you feel strong enough to date: to be available for a new relationship.
There are many issues revolving around the singles dating scene. Initially it can feel really awkward. Like being a teenager, except without the parents setting limits. How do you do the dating scene?
Maybe when you were in your previous relationship and things were bad you dreamed of being single again. You dreamed of freedom and ease. Now you are single and you asked someone out on a date and got turned down. Or maybe a woman asked out a guy on a date and it felt so awkward, like something had really gotten mixed up. You go to a singles event and everyone is looking for sex, are afraid to connect, or are just plain bored.
Then there is online dating. How do you know anything about a person just by reading their bio? And really, someone would email you an invitation for sex??? How about conversation? How about getting to know the other person, spending time together, having fun?
All the rules seem to have changed. How do you navigate something that feels so confusing?
Who pays? Do you take turns?
You might have young children who need babysitters which costs money. Who pays? Who drives the babysitter home? Do you have family events with a new person?
Teenagers may hate the thought of either parent replacing a lost relationship. They also watch adult behaviour very intently so you get to be the example of the values you preach to them!
In a new relationship it is best to talk clearly about what you want, whether it is friendship, something more, and whether you think sex should or should not be a part of your relationship. Because you are both adults and not in junior high anymore, there is no need to play the guessing games.
The same can be said about your values, how you manage money, how you manage alone and together time, what leisure looks like to you, and on and on. There is no point now not to discuss the pragmatic things of life. Then if the two of you are wildly different, you say good-bye. Good thing you know how to be single! Be generous to yourself though: you went out. You tried…
You never know when that right person will walk through the door of your life.
To ponder:
How am I developing myself as a single person?
What are the values I hold about sex in relationship, money, marriage, family, how time is spent, work, leisure, etc. and can I communicate those values clearly?
Contributing writer: Bev van Diepen
