Denial morphs into anger when we let the numbness go. Crying and feelings of sadness spiral downward into depression which is your grief anger turned inward.
You look at who you have been and regret actions you did not take. You wish you had been more honest about how you really felt, listened to that small voice that told you to run in the first place, or been willing to be a better person, kinder, or been more assertive.
You believed that life would be one thing and then it turned out this way. How could your ex have been the person they ended up being: a total transformation from who they were in the beginning? You feel it was all a lie and you have been duped. And now you and your children have to live with the consequences of what you chose. Thank God you have the children, but oh, you would never have chosen this pain for them if you had known. You berate yourself over and over.
Then life happens and your anger turns outward. Payments don’t show up, a paper gets served, your teenager is angry and won’t talk to the other parent, or a strange voice answers the phone when you call your ex. Stupid people should not be allowed to drive on the road. The boss is demanding and unfair. Your co-worker drives you crazy. Your child, who you love dearly and you want to protect from every hurt in life, does some unthinkable action and you want to strangle them.
The slightest thing triggers rage! Exploding is scary.
Your friends have a hard time being with you in all this anger. As you process your former love relationship out loud with your friends they then question why you stayed with such a terrible person for so long. And then you feel compelled to defend your ex., as a human being, and your friends wonder why you did not stay with them.
Talk with friends and let them know you are in an angry phase and sometimes just need to vent. Finding places to vent: the shower, your car, journaling, or going for long walks, all help in the process of going through anger. Venting is necessary sometimes but expressing or verbalizing your anger is a way to deal with the grief anger and move forward.
Anger helps identify wrongs. It is a process that can lead to growth. Harriet Lerner, Ph. D. states that “the important issue is whether, over time, you can use your anger as an incentive to achieve greater self-clarity and discover new ways to [deal with life].”
-Beverly vanDiepen
Reflections:
1. How much of my interaction in life right now is in the anger continuum?
2. What am I learning about myself from the past: where I was stepped over, disrespected, unloved, abused? Where was I demanding, overbearing, not listening, closed?
3. Where am I drawing new boundaries: for myself and others?
