To start this off I want to acknowledge that there are widely different views and beliefs about sex. There is a large span between those who believe sex must be within a committed marriage relationship, to “anything goes, do whatever feels right at the moment.” I will talk about the issues related to sexuality in the divorced/separated/now single person without taking a stand one way or the other as I see that there are things to discuss that are relevant no matter what you believe. Further, it is important to recognise what your own values are and find your pathway through this part of the journey.
Your previous love relationship has ended, you had a sexual relationship, and that person is no longer available to you. What do you do with your sexual desires?
There are typically three phases to this rebuilding block: lack of interest, the horny stage, and the return to normal. Not everyone goes through all these phases but they are worth taking a look at.
During the first part of the deep grief there can be a lack of interest in sex, or an inability to perform sexually. Women tend to have total lack of interest, men tend to be impotent. Somewhere along the way, perhaps near the end of the anger phase you get through this lack of interest/impotent stage and move into the “horny” phase.
At this point your sexual desires go off the chart and it can be intense and frightening. It can be as though you are trying to solve your sexual problems and all of the other building blocks at the same time, using sex as the method.
Loneliness, trying to feel lovable, improving your self-concept, working through anger, gaining friendships, all these can be concentrated in the sex drive. And if there is a morality to this it can feel frustrating.
The feeling is that if your sexuality could be expressed all these things could be dealt with. It is like the body is trying to heal itself in all these areas, through sexual expression. There can be one night stands during this phase, or a lot of frustration within the morality framework.
The other piece of this horny phase is simply the need to be touched. As humans we thrive from the earliest days of our existence through physical touch. And this need is often enmeshed in the sexual arena, but at this time when there is no regular sexual partner the need for simple physical touch can be overpowering.
Resolving the needs of the horny phase can happen without direct sexual contact if you work directly with the drive behind this which is to prove that you are okay. You can work on feeling good about yourself, build your identity and self confidence, and deepen your understanding of who you are and how lovable you really are. These positive feelings will help overcome loneliness and take some of the pressure off the horny stage.
To think about:
Explain what your current moral values and attitudes are?
Identify where you are on this journey and what the struggles are for you?
Contributing Writer: Beverly van Diepen
