Separation is when you and your partner live apart but are still legally married. Separation from your partner is a critical time that can drastically affect the relationship’s future and impact the children. During this time, emotions are running high, and things are often said and done with later regret. Use these guidelines to support a productive separation from your marital partner.
To see earlier parts in this series about whether to leave a relationship, check out Know When To Walk Away – Part 1 and Know When to Run – Family Violence.
Separation is a unique time that can affect individuals differently. The person who initiated the separation can feel they have exhausted all options and are fed up. The other person can feel hurt, betrayed, and abandoned. It is vital to have a structured separation despite these strong emotions and not resort to petty, reactive, and immature actions.
While separation is typically used when all other options have been exhausted, it can be an effective opportunity to get the relationship back on track. The time of separation is like hitting the pause button. Before you continue with your relationship, it’s essential to use this time to get clarity on what isn’t working and why. Pay attention to the relationship warning signs that brought you here in the first place. The separation time lays the foundation for either a return to the relationship or an amicable divorce. As a certified divorce coach, I have seen many scenarios where poor decisions from either partner during the separation phase lead to a relationship breakdown. The separation time can have a lasting impact on the relationship between the marital partners and children.
To keep it simple, the separation guidelines are presented as “Do’s and Don’ts” of the separation time.
The Don’ts of Separation
1. Don’t start dating other people
Separation is NOT the time to become romantic with someone else. Additional relationships with members of the opposite sex will only complicate your current relationship with your marriage partner.
2. Don’t begin a single lifestyle
Just because you are not together in the marital home does NOT mean you can resume your previous single lifestyle. You are still a married person, only on hold!
3. Don’t air your dirty laundry and overshare with everyone who will listen
Gossip has a mean tooth and spreads like wildfire! Be careful of who and how much you share with others. Although it is important to have a confidant, it is not wise to tell all. Oversharing may come back to haunt you later when the dust settles.
4. Don’t gather allies
Separation is NOT the time to gather your supporters in preparation for war. Don’t ask your common acquaintances to take sides. Try to stay neutral and NOT play the victim. If you need space, take it without gathering supporters for your cause.
5. Don’t go to extremes
Don’t automatically demand, “I want a divorce!” Or, on the flip side, don’t give your children/family false hope that everything will go back as usual. Separation serves as a warning sign that there are differences or concerns to be addressed before you can move forward again. Separation is a time when caution, nuance, and reason are extremely valuable.
The Do’s of Separation
1. Use this time for personal reflection and growth.
It is important to discover both perspectives; the ‘leaver’ and the ‘left’.
Ask yourself:
- why does my spouse or I want a relationship break?
- what do I need from my partner
- what are our relationship patterns
- what changes need to occur
- what is my style of conflict
- what do I need to do differently to make this relationship grow and flourish?
- am I willing to seek professional help, such as a marriage counselor, to help us work on making the changes needed?
2. Determine the time frame
Initially, a three-month period is a good place to start. Less than that is not sufficient time to do the work. If towards the end of the three-month time period, it may be necessary to extend it by another three months. This time frame allows each the space needed to get clarity to do the work required to proceed in either direction. It is more difficult to extend this pause longer than six months without putting in place additional agreements.
The separation time frame should not be indefinite. The period of time could be extended if both parties are still in agreement and require more time to clarify what’s next. Remember, this is a temporary time-out!
3. Communication
For communication, when, where, and how need to be addressed and agreed upon.
The Business Meeting – It is suggested that the couple come together systematically to continue to communicate over the ‘business of separation.’ A neutral place is recommended over the marital home. This place could be a coffee shop, a park, or somewhere other people are present to help keep the tone of the meeting more business-like. This meeting is best held over a shorter period, like 1 – 1.5 hours. Each party can come with agenda items of what they would like to talk about as they move forward. It’s also a good idea to meet consistently like, every other Monday at 7pm at the same place.
Phone call/texts/emails? During this time of separation, communication looks different than before. Either party should not expect that they can phone or text whenever and that the other party is obligated to answer or communicate on demand! To assist in carrying out the purpose of this time separation, it is best to communicate by email, in a business format, once or twice weekly. This will allow both parties to stay in contact, address issues/concerns as they arise, and keep the agenda to the points of concern brief.
3. Surround yourself with good support
Find 2 – 3 friends with who you can openly share your concerns and who will help hold you accountable for your actions. These friends will form your support team and be able to keep your confidence and provide encouragement and support. They serve as a sounding board, not to dispense advice!!!
4. Seek professional help
This person will be your go-to person throughout the process. There are a variety of professionals available who fit this category, such as a counselor, psychologist, pastor, and clergy, however, a Divorce Coach would be ideal!
5. Play the movie forward
Ask yourself, in 5, 10, or 20 years, what would my life look like if we worked together and stayed in our marriage?
Also, what would my life look like if we disconnected and went our own ways and I started again as a single person?
6. Determine your hopes for this relationship in the future
It is important to take time to think this through. Do you want to ghost your partner and never see or speak to them again? Although this is an option, it is usually not viable if you have children together. If the two of you wish to stay connected as the parents of your children, it is important to work together to collaborate, even amidst separation.
7. Tell the children together
It doesn’t matter who initiated the separation, it is important to present a united front to the children. Come together and tell them that the two of you, as a couple, need some time apart to work through some concerns. Give them as much information as needed, depending upon their ages. Assure them that this is NOT about them. They are not at fault or to blame. If you have minor children, it will be important to discuss an interim parenting schedule. If you have adult children, do not use them as part of your own support system. Remember, no matter what age, children are always affected by the choices of their parents.
Separation Guidelines Summary
Separation can be a challenging time for both parties. These separation guidelines provide instructions to have a productive separation. If possible, sit down with your partner and agree to follow these guidelines. Sharing this blog post with your partner and agreeing to a few basic guidelines would be an excellent place to start.
These separation guidelines are meant as a starting point to keeping communication open and to provide the space and time needed to work on the greater issues that need to be addressed in the marriage. Keep in mind that every relationship is unique, so many of these guidelines may need to be tailored to your specific situation.
As an experienced Divorce Coach, I’m a phone call away and am willing to come alongside you as you dive deeper into what is needed in this time of crisis to move forward. Contact Sandy to book an appointment today! For more advice on separation and divorce, visit the blog.
