When initially separated, denial is the first stage that each person in the relationship will experience. It may be conscious or unconscious. Initially, denial shows up as a means of protection, creating a false sense of safety. On a conscious level we may not be totally oblivious to our situation, but perhaps not ready or ill-equipped to do anything about it. Secondly, we may be unaware of our own issues and how we contributed to the disintegration of our marriage. Denial or dismissal is a way of putting things on hold or hitting the pause button as a need for a time out! We may be experiencing too much change or chaos and we are at a loss of what to do?
Have you ever heard anyone say, as they roll their eyes, “Oh he’s in denial!”
What does that really mean? Is the person really that stunned, and actually so unaware of their own circumstances? Possibly! As onlookers, what appears obvious to us and everyone else, is really and truly a blind spot for the person going through the situation.
In order to move past denial, and get your head out of the sand, it is important to ask yourself, Why? Why? Why?
Why did my love relationship have to end?
Until one can accept the ending it’ll be difficult to begin to adjust. Further, in order to accept the ending, we feel the need to understand what went wrong and begin to make some sense of it all. As people grow in a relationship there is a lot of change that both people experience. Changes in their own personal growth due to their religious attitudes and beliefs, crisis, illness, relocation. etc. Often these “events” experienced as real stresses, either bring us together as a couple or pull us apart. In order to address the why we first need to take a closer look at the system within the previous relationship. Was each person willing to contribute to that relationship so that the team could move forward together through the changes that life brings? Were you a strong team of horses moving forward together, or a team of oxen strongly moving independently apart? In order to move through denial and on to acceptance, we need to be brutally honest and answer evaluate our past relationships.
Take a time out, a time to sit quietly with yourself and your thoughts,
Ask yourself…
- Were you and your partner friends?
- Did you confide in each?
- Did you share similar passions and hobbies?
- Did you have similar goals?
- Did you go out together socially?
- Did you give each other space, and time alone?
- Did you trust each other?
Now think back to when did you stop working together and start pulling apart?
How long has the relationship been “over?” Separation and divorce is the acknowledgment that this relationship is no longer serving each other well and it’s time to have a formal closure so that you each can move on.
Self-reflection is NOT an “if only” game where we beat ourselves up with
- “if only I…”
- “I should have… “
- “I could have…”
These thoughts are your own gremlins, and they play havoc in your mind, causing you to spiral into exhaustion. As the saying goes, “your history is your history” and there is nothing you can do about it. In order to move on through denial and on towards acceptance one just has to first face the reality and acknowledge that your love relationship has ended. PERIOD! It is over! Even though the emotional pain is intense, it is this pain that will provide the motivation for personal growth. It is important to spend some time with denial, bring it into the light, take your head out of the sand, address the why questions, and begin to work through it, so that you can continue to move forward.
Reflections
1. I am willing to accept that my love relationship is ending?
2. What are the reasons why my love relationship ended? Where were we working together as a team, and where were we pulling apart?
3. Am ready to invest in myself and in my own personal growth in order to become the person that I would like to be? Who am I willing to ask to hold me accountable for my own growth?
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