We all have an inner voice that narrates our lives and provides commentary on our actions. Psychologists call this inner voice self-talk. It includes conscious thoughts and our unconscious assumptions and beliefs. Self-talk can be essential, as we use it as constructive means of learning and challenging ourselves. However, some of our self-talk is also negative, unrealistic, and self-defeating. This form of self-talk can damage our self-esteem, ultimately harming our well-being and derailing us from achieving our goals.
Separation and Divorce can be a powerful event than reinforces negative self-talk. This stressful time can trigger thoughts such as “I am worthless”, “it is my fault”, and “I will be alone forever”. Negative self-talk may have even been a significant contributor to your separation and divorce in the first place. Managing this negative self-talk is a critical self-care action in your journey of divorce recovery.
How to manage self-talk?
We are all familiar with the phrase “STOP, DROP, and ROLL“. It is a fire safety prevention program taught to children. In the event that clothing catches on fire, children are taught the stop, drop, and roll method, which allows them to extinguish the fire quickly and efficiently.
According to the Urban Dictionary STOP DROP and ROLL is also the act of leaving a bad date!
STOP what you’re doing?
DROP the date
and ROLL out…
This can actually be great advice! However, in the context of Divorce Coaching, use the STOP, DROP, and ROLL method to manage your inner voice, The Monster Within.
Stop
Stop your unconscious automatic reaction. As soon as you are aware that your mind is processing the past, or rehearsing the future the first important thing to do is stop. If you are putting yourself down with thoughts of “ I’m not good enough”, or “I’m too stupid to”, “I should’ve, could’ve,” etc. STOP!
Do not let your mind continue to control you – take charge! Stop the process! Stop everything you are doing and thinking and take notice. Awareness is the first step. Come to a complete halt with your body and mind and stand still.
Drop
Take a deep breath (in through the nose and out through the mouth) and back away SLOWLY! This is the transitional stage. Step away from the old thoughts, memories, past relationships and hurts, old beliefs about yourself, and move into the present. Say out loud “I cancel that thought.” Or, imagine you are at the ocean’s edge and send that thought back across the endless waves, like the tide going out!
Metaphorically, take your head off, gently put it on a shelf (you’ll need it later, trust me!) and give it a rest. Let your heart lead. Be your own observer, notice where you are, your surroundings, get centered. What is really going on in the present moment, in the here and now?
Remind yourself that YOU; your presence is a gift.
Roll
Roll is the action or the choice. Physically move your body to a different space. Make the shift. Change your perspective. What can you do differently now that your mind is clear? What new thoughts do you want to think about? How do you want to respond that is congruent to who you are and who you want to be? What are you grateful for? Think about what is true…
It’s important to self-manage our irrational negative self-talk, and to challenge it so we can change it and replace it with reasonable, constructive thoughts! Rather than continuing to fan the flames of our mind and allow ourselves to ruminate it is important for us to have a method to help us direct our negative thoughts from becoming out of control.
By following the STOP, DROP, and ROLL method, you will slowly move from a reactive pattern to a pro-active behavior. Over the discipline of time (and it takes discipline), you will see yourself change your negative self-talk into an elegant spokesperson of your true confident self!
Reflections:
- Will you accept the challenge of managing The Monster Within?
- Who will you tell by tomorrow, who will hold you accountable for this decision?
- Want to up the ante and get serious? Wear an elastic band around your wrist – every time you catch yourself ruminating in negative self-talk STOP, snap the band (that’s the DROP), and re-direct your thoughts! (Roll) Do this for 1 month and you’ll amaze yourself!
For one-on-one coaching on managing your negative self-talk, contact Sandy to book an appointment today!
