You’ve heard the expression; the only thing constant in life is CHANGE. This is particularly true when moving from thing married to single again. Not only is there change of the externals, such as the home, living arrangements, finances, etc., but the inner adjustments are HUGE!
Over the years of being together with our partner we learned to adapt and adjust to their behavior. Although this is good and natural for a healthy married partnership, there is another side. If we “over compensated” and adjusted our own behavior to enable our partner to continue unhealthy patterns, we have a learned style of behavior. Now, the “problem” lies within us. We are used to communicating and interacting with a certain “bend.” It is this old pattern, and way of relating that needs to be adjusted.
In the last blog I mentioned:
The Five Adaptive/Survival behaviors… which one(s) do, you lean towards?
Time for More Adjustments
This is NOT a one-time event, but a series of adjustments within yourself, in your own style and way of thinking in each and every relationship that you are in.
Your journey of personal growth and self-discovery begins with self-awareness, then self-acceptance.
Upon reflection, can you see your adaptive behavioral style? Next, can your accept, or own “your part?”
Now, the work begins, lean to the left, or in the opposite direction you are used to. You may feel out of your element, or even mean. However, depending upon your old pattern, it is time to set a boundary with people, re-align yourself, and slowly move back to your True Essence.
This adjustment period is likened to stretches, the more you do and the more often you engage in these, the healthier your body will be. Take a look at the authentic patterns of relating and where you want to move.
Adaptive/Survivor Behavior Authentic Behavior
Perfection – Strives for Excellence
•Provides healthy limits to other
•Not concerned with appearances
•Strives for Excellence
•Hooks appropriate response in others
•Helps others feel
•Accepts others
•Satisfied with accomplishments
Over-responsible Responsible to self
•Empathetic nurturing
•Teaches another to fish
•Giving is unselfish
•Hooks natural response in others
•Helps others feel OK
•A catalyst to another’s growth
•Caregiver
•Tough love
•Is able to do self-care
Rational-Logical Thoughts and Feelings Balanced
•Flexible
•Able to access feelings
•Uses all sub-personality parts
•Chairman of the board
•Makes others feel OK
•Makes loving choices
•Concerned about others
•Expresses beliefs and listens to others
Rebel Healthy Identity
•Able to bring about change
•Helps system work better
•Behavior results in efficiency & effectiveness
•Adjusts to situation
•Positive manipulation
•Hooks support in others
Needy and Hurt Child Natural and Creative child
•Creative and spontaneous
•Fun loving
•Expresses feelings easily
•Inner directed
•Leader
•Hooks spontaneity in others
Reflections
1. Identify your adaptive behaviors – Do you accept the fact that YOU allowed yourself to act this way?
2. Examine your authentic behaviors – Do you desire to change and grow?
3. How are you going to “stretch” yourself, and whom will you ask to hold you accountable for your own personal growth and development.
