The third stage of grieving is bargaining. This is the stage where you catch yourself saying, “Maybe if I …my relationship will get back together. Maybe I just did not see….”
“Maybe if I just try harder, become a better person, lose weight, stop asking for what he/she does not want to give, tone down my beliefs that he/she does not share, speak up more, whatever it is, than things will resolve and we can go back to being together.”
It hurts when relationships end. Once the denial stops and reality sets in the pain feels overwhelming. The anger and bargaining are like a dance you do, one step forward, two steps back. It’s not really linear, it’s more circular in nature but for the purpose of describing them we talk about them one at a time. The bargaining is not even something you intentionally do. It just shows up.
I had read Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s work and knew there were stages of grief but really had no clue what the bargaining stage would look like until one day driving down the highway I caught myself saying, “If he would …, maybe if I do… then we could resolve our issues.” It felt elusive, but I knew I was trying to bargain and make something happen that could not happen.
Often when we face one loss, others we have not dealt with come forward as well. This can be frightening and overwhelming. What is true is that when you give yourself time to do the work of grieving you actually move yourself forward to the place of acceptance and peace. So it is important to give yourself permission to grieve.
It is inappropriate to grieve at the job, or at the family reunion, but you can set aside time where you get out the Kleenex, and a journal, and let yourself process what you have been through.
Set times with your close friends where you ask to talk about your grief, and spend some time examining how you feel. These are deliberate sessions focusing on your grief so that you can move forward to acceptance.
You can write a letter about your losses. Maybe you lost a home you loved, left a job, changed churches, moved from your community to a new one. There may be many secondary losses to deal with, not just the former love relationship.
Reflections:
What bargain have you tried to make recently?
What other previous losses are rearing their heads?
Which strategy works best for you to process your grief?
