Separation and divorce are challenging times that force us to utilize coping strategies. One of the most common strategies is “wearing a mask” when coping with separation. All of us wear masks at times. Sometimes you just don’t want others to know what you’re feeling and a “mask” is a convenient way to hide what’s going on inside – a protective shield. So the mask projects a different attitude or feeling on the surface, protecting you from the pain underneath. The pain may be fear of rejection, fear of somebody not liking you, fear of inadequacy, or maybe just a feeling that nobody really cares. While wearing a mask may offer short-term benefits, in the long term, hiding behind a mask interferes with your close relationships. After separation and divorce, an important step is taking off the mask to foster openness.
“After my divorce, looking for ways to meet new people, I took a small part in a little theater production. One night at rehearsal I suddenly realized that’s what I’d been doing in my marriage- reciting lines. I wasn’t myself, I was in character in a romantic comedy-tragedy.”
Scott
At this point in your marital separation, you probably have a good idea of what happened and hope to start thinking about how you’ll avoid similar mistakes in the future. One key element in healthy relationships is openness. Were you sincere and open in your relationship, or did you hide behind a mask?
Masks and Openness
Young children don’t wear masks as adults do – that’s one of the reasons it’s enjoyable and delightful to be with them. We develop our masks and become “socialized. ” Wearing a mask is not always a conscious effort to deceive. Often masks will help us to interact with people more effectively. This is especially true in professional or work settings where being too open is inappropriate, like when interacting with a boss, a coworker, or a client. Likewise, for a new acquaintance, we may not have sufficient rapport to be open. In these scenarios, openness is met with hesitancy and can damage the relationship.
While a mask can sometimes be appropriate, using masks in our close personal relationships is detrimental.
However, some masks are not productive in helping us connect with others. Instead, they keep us at a safe emotional distance from the other person. Openness, after all, can be pretty scary at times.
Rebuilding, When your Relationship Ends by D. Bruce Fisher.
Wearing a mask has a profound effect on your partners and the people around you. Whether you wish to foster your relationship with your children, friends, family, or even a romantic partner, openness is essential for healthy relationships. According to this study, openness is related to higher satisfaction in relationships. Fostering these relationships through openness provides an additional way to cope with stress. Ironically, the mask used to cope with stress can instead limit our ability to cope.
Wearing a mask also has a direct effect on your own wellbeing. It makes you feel like you are not being authentic, as if you are hiding. In contrast, openness allows you to be yourself. Sharing your inner emotions/thoughts provides relief from the pain.
What mask do you wear?
We’ll begin to look at openness by considering the types of masks we wear. Analyze your behavior when interacting with others and determine what mask you wear.
The Humor Mask
The humor mask is worn to keep people at arm’s length emotionally. Should anyone try to get close emotionally, immediately start making jokes and cracking humor to create a distance and space. Sometimes this humor is at other people’s expense, attempting to make oneself feel better by insulting others. This humor may also be self-denigrating, trying to lower the expectations of others.
The Barbie Mask
Whenever someone tries to get real with you and talks about important things, put on the happy, smiling, unchanging face like a “Barbie doll.” This person becomes detached from their feelings, sometimes repressing them so others cannot see their pain or anxiety.
I’m So Strong Mask
This mask is worn to project an image that “I am strong and have it all together.” Under no circumstance am I willing to show any sign of weakness. This person attempts to convey the opposite of their inner state. Despite hurting inside, they wish to show the world around them that “nothing is wrong.”
Don’t Mess with me, Angry Mask
A person wearing this mask responds to emotional prompts through aggression and anger. Often this mask is used to get a reputation of being tough. This mask is very effective in keeping people at arm’s length. It provides others with a strong signal that they do not want to interact. They may displace their inner pain and act out on others.
How to take off the mask and foster openness?
Many scenarios may trigger the use of a mask, such as social convention (profession setting) or a stressful situation. In these scenarios, a mask may be an effective tool. However, we often become comfortable with the mask over time, and it becomes part of our default behavior.
The first step to taking off the mask is identifying the type of mask you wear and why. Observe your behavior and responses when interacting in your close relationships. Determine any common patterns that arise and whether they fall into the above categories. What are the most common situations where you resort to wearing a mask? What is the source of anxiety, pain, or discomfort that caused you to use the mask? Look at your past relationships, especially with your separated partner. Consider the effect that masks had on the breakdown of the relationship.
Once you identify the underlying emotions, you can slowly start to reveal your inner emotional state. Talk to a trusted friend, a confidant, or even a divorce coach. You must actively fight the instinct to put the mask back on. Having honest conversations may be uncomfortable at first, but it will get easier with practice. Gradually extend this openness to more and more of your close relationship. You’ll find that removing the mask and using openness will strengthen the quality of your relationships.
Reflections:
- What masks do you wear, and for what purpose?
- Who are you masking from?
- Are you actually denying your own hurt and fooling yourself?
- Are you ready to take off your mask?
As a certified divorce coach, I am trained to provide advice on divorce and separation. I can help you identify the mask you wear and recommend steps to take off the mask. Contact Sandy to book a session today to foster openness and have more successful relationships after separation and divorce! Be sure to visit the blog for more information and advice on separation and divorce.
