According to this study, divorce rates are higher for second and third marriages when compared to first marriages. How do you break this trend and ensure that you do not repeat the mistakes of your previous marriage? The key to a successful relationship after divorce and separation is transitioning from immature love to mature love.
This is part 4 of a 4 part series on finding love after divorce. Check out earlier parts:
Finding Love After Divorce
Love…a Burning Ring of Fire?
To Love, Is To EXPOSE Yourself!
What is immature Love?
In order to transition from immature love to mature love, we must first understand immature love. As a certified divorce coach with nearly a decade of experience, I have found that immature love stems from how people think about the meaning of love.
Immature love is:
- Love equals doing something for somebody
- Love equals taking care of someone
- Love equals achieving
- Love equals always being in control
- Love equals “never having to say you’re sorry.”
- Love equals being strong
- Love equals being nice
These things may appear like the actions of love, yet they are NOT LOVE!
Most of us while growing up have not received enough unconditional love. Love that was given by parents and others just because we were, not because we earned it by being “good.” Therefore we adopt immature forms of love because we have not been loved unconditionally.
It is difficult to give up immature love, for this is the way we have always received strokes, attention, and good feelings. We realize that we had to keep striving in order in order to earn the love we were seeking. We crave love, like an addict. Likewise, we also hold the bar up high for future lovers and demand them to jump through our hoops like a circus animals.
How do we reach mature love?
First, we often can only reach a mature love, after we let go of immature love. So there is hope for a divorced person! Once we let go, we can begin again! It all starts with awareness of both others, and self. Part of the process of the self examine is to let go of our immature love, and let go of our expectations of others to meet our need to feel needed and loved.
Mature love starts from within. We must begin to love ourselves, warts and all. We must accept ourselves with our strengths and in our shortcomings.
Mature love means loving ourselves for who we are, and likewise loving another person for whom he or she is. When we feel such unconditional love no matter-how-you-act-love, we have learned mature love. Mature love allows us to be ourselves with the loved one. Mature love allows us to love another for who they are, without the expectations of wanting them to be or do more.
This is also an opportune time to connect with our creator, our higher power, the Supreme Being. For God is love and is well pleased with us. We cannot change our past, our history is our history. Yet we can begin again, and embrace this spiritual journey of being enough and loving our neighbor as ourselves. Unconditional love is an inside job!!!
Reflections
- How are you trying to prove to yourself that you are loveable?
- How are you making progress in loving yourself?
- Which is easier, for you to love others, or acknowledge your own need to be loved?
For one-on-one personalized guidance on how to transition from immature love to mature love, contact Sandy to book a session today!
