After divorce, relationships are even more important than before. A new relationship is often considered to be a sign of health, adjustment, or success after divorce – an indication that we are OK as human beings. However, there are studies to suggest that just being in a new relationship is not proof of adjustment. There are many relationship types that are not indicators of growth after separation and divorce.
The healthiest view of those early relationships is to see them as short-term, transitional relationships. They are useful as you work through your love wounds and learn to trust again. They occur during a needy time in life and are an opportunity to grow, heal, and at the same time still be relating to others.
Learning to be single is the first task. Learning to love again takes place after the past is cleared away, and you are ready to do the work of building a long-term committed relationship.
Relationship Types
There are many styles of relationships that happen in love and in friendship. As you look at each one, try to consider the feelings of each partner. Analyze your current and past relationships in your life and determine which category they belong to.
1. Dependent Relationship
In the dependent relationship, both people lean on each other. It can feel good at first but it can also feel constraining. If one of them wants to change or grow the other person is uncomfortable and upset by the change.
2. Smothering Relationship
In the smothering relationship, one partner feels that they cannot live without the other and they live to make the other happy. This type of relationship is often seen with teenagers or during the honeymoon phase. The smothering may feel good temporarily, but after a while, the partner being smothered feels trapped.
3. Pedestal Relationship
In this relationship, there is one person who is idolized and idealized. The worshipper looks up to an idealized image with whom there can be no real communication and which places a lot of expectations on the relationship. This creates distance and an inability to be truly intimate.
4. Master/Slave Relationship
The master is the head of the family, male or female, making all the decisions. The master is the stronger one, the slave must acquiesce, and when the master becomes controlling, rigid, or inflexible it sets up to be an unequal, emotionally distant, and power struggle sort of relationship.
5. Boarding House, Back-Back Relationship
Picture two people, back to back, elbows linked. They have a contract or agreement they will live together, but there is no communication, enjoyment of each other, or expressions of love. They are sticking out their relationship but it is very confining.
6. Martyr Relationship
In the martyr relationship, one person completely sacrifices themselves for the other and serves others without taking time for themself. They gain control through guilt. How can you feel angry or express your needs and angry feelings at someone who does so much for you?
7. Healthy Love Relationship
Whole, healthy people have happiness within them. They are free to be who they are, and have careers, friends, and interests. They choose to work together in parenting, in projects, in the phases of life, but they are not together because of some unfulfilled emotional needs. They give each other space to grow and mature and choose to share life together.
Developing a Healthy Love Relationship
Much of our behaviors in a relationship are due to habit. That is why it is essential to look at your previous relationships and determine ways in which you contributed to the failure of the relationship. Without this process, you will by default fall into the same relationship style of the past.
To develop a healthy love relationship, you must first identify the current relationship style and pay attention to any warning signs. Then you must fully understand the factors of a healthy love relationship and begin to work with your partner to transition to a healthy relationship. It is essential that both partners understand what a healthy relationship looks and feels like.
Once you have reached a healthy love relationship, the work is not done. Relationships are dynamic and are always changing. Large life events, such as the passing of a loved one, job loss, or injury, may trigger an abrupt change in a relationship style. However, even the passage of time can slowly accumulate changes in a relationship that deteriorate the health of the relationship. Despite the time frame, constant effort and communication are required to maintain a healthy relationship.
It is often challenging to analyze current and past relationships from your own first-hand experience. In many cases, our relationships are too personal for us not to get caught in the emotion. A third party, such as a certified divorce coach, is trained to assist in these scenarios. For help fostering healthy love relationships after separation and divorce, contact Sandy to book a session with a divorce coach today!
