Effective listening is a key contributor to healthy communication in a successful relationship. After separation and divorce, as we continue to stretch ourselves and attempt to develop new relationships, one of the skills we need to continue nurturing is effective listening. Poor listening skills may have even contributed to the breakdown of your previous relationship.
What are the benefits of Active Listening?
When is the last time you were involved in a conversation with someone and felt they checked out? They were there, however, you sensed the very moment they turned their attention away from you. When we’re on the receiving end of listening it’s not too difficult for us to be aware with great precision when the other party has “left the building.” We are acutely aware when we have not been heard.
When we’re not being listed to, we tend to feel resentment toward the other person, even retracting and withholding our emotions and opinions. Active listening provides a safe place for the other party to air their feelings and encourages expression. Most essentially, it makes that person feel valued and important! Effective listening is essential for communication in a healthy relationship.
Are you an effective listener?
Effective listening requires your full attention and an active commitment on your part. Listening demonstrates your respect for the other person. It requires that you avoid expressing yourself for a time.
Effective listening requires at least three elements:
- Tuning in – Focus on the other person by stopping other activities, turning off the TV, ignoring other distractions, and directing your energy in his/her direction.
- Attending –Pay attention to the message by making eye contact if possible, nodding to show that you hear, perhaps a slight touch on the arm.
- Actively attempting to understand – Before responding, think about the underlying message – the feelings behind the words – rather than trying to interpret, or come up with an answer.
How to listen effectively
- Ask open-ended questions
- Avoid YES or NO questions
- Avoid why questions – which block communication
- Use “What” and “How”
Use positive actions that encourage the other person to elaborate. Such actions and prompts include:
- nodding of head, eye contact
- “uh-huh”
- “Yes”
- “Go on…”
- “And…”
- “Because…”
Listening Tips:
- Avoid rescuing
- Allow the other person to have pain, confusion, sadness and anger as part of their learning.
- Nurture without bleeding with them.
- Keep objective
- Believe that people can solve their problems if given a chance to talk in a non-threatening situation!
Reflections
Over the next few conversations, monitor your ability to listen, so that the other party feels safe, and is “seen” and “heard.”
Be your own observer, ask yourself, am I?
- Tuning in?
- Attending?
- Understanding?
- What skills did I use to let them know they were important and valued?
- What things did I do to revert the attention back to myself, or show that I really didn’t care?
If you are struggling with communication and effective listening, contact Sandy to book an appointment with a certified divorce coach.
