A painful aspect of the separation and divorce process are the horrible feelings of guilt that can overtake us. They can envelop us, swallow us up and leave our stomach churning for days, weeks and even months. Why do we feel soooo guilty, anyhow? Did we really do something that bad?
That is a great question!
What is the purpose of guilt?
Guilt works like a warning sign, it goes off when our inner compass believes our actions do not line up with our beliefs. The guilt pangs will not go away until we take time to do a personal examine and take inventory of our actions. Is your guilt healthy or unhealthy guilt?
Healthy and/or Appropriate guilt
This is a warning sign with a purpose – Change your behavior or you will lose someone dear to you. The purpose is to help re-direct. Healthy guilt is telling us that we need to do something different. It could also be a self care prompt, urging us to create healthy boundaries in order to take better care of ourselves.
Focus on the guilt that causes harm to loved ones and friends. If you did something wrong or harmful, accept that you cannot change the past. Own what’s yours to own, apologize, be remorseful, make-up for the inappropriate behavior, then,
LET IT GO! The feeling of guilt is trying to get our attention so that we can learn something from the experience, so that we won’t repeat the same patterns.
Unhealthy or Inappropriate guilt – serves no rational purpose.
Excessive guilt is self-destructive and ultimately harmful to your health and well-being.
Its purpose, is to make us feel bad for no reason… When we live our lives as “ought to’s, ” “should haves” or “could have been,” we are not able to live life fully, and are stuck in the past. If the guilt you feel is based on unrealistic expectations of yourself, you need to remind yourself that you did the best with what you had at the time. The goal is to be able to look rationally at guilt. Own what’s yours to own, make appropriate changes for the future, let it go and move forward.
Guilt is situational!
Reflections:
- Is your guilt is healthy or unhealthy?
- Who have you harmed that you need to apologize to? What do you have to do to make amends?
- Are your mulling over the things you should have, or could have done in the past? If so, you are using a lot of energy on things you cannot change. Time to re-direct your focus. What about yourself would you like to change in the future?
