As we discussed last week there are many words that describe loneliness. Our experience is common to all humanity in all stages of life. How do we move beyond this sense of desolation and emptiness? Today we will look at what people commonly do to cope with loneliness.
Often the first strategy in coping with loneliness is to talk. Sometimes we will talk to anyone who will listen to us. We fill our lives with as much human interaction as we can to cope with our lives. We talk to our friends. We talk about our troubles to the bank teller, the person next to us in line at the grocery store, whoever will listen. And we need to talk. There are things to be done and to organize. We have been deeply hurt. We may have children to care about and for. There are good reasons to try to connect with others.
There is nothing wrong with receiving support from our friends at this time. But we can wear out friendships if we are totally focused on our divorce process. To keep friendships alive they need to be two way. Who should we talk to? How do we keep our friendships alive?
Another strategy for loneliness is that we withdraw and don’t talk; we brood on what went wrong, what should have happened, on our sense of failure. We feel that we no longer have any hope for the future. Life feels empty and lost. We isolate ourselves going from work to home. We feel like we are dying inside. And our children are right there with us feeling the loss and the loneliness.
Often then, a next phase in loneliness is to become really busy. We put the kids into activities which brings us into contact with more people to talk to. We work hard; we fill our lives with projects and deadlines. If there are no children it is easy to go out and fill our time in other ways. We can join clubs, go to bars, or attend as many classes as possible to fill our time. Running from loneliness so we do not feel the pain does not heal us.
We may then find a new relationship. These kinds of relationships are precarious if they take place before true healing has occurred. But we need connection, so we try to connect.
Reflections:
1. In what ways have you leaned on your friends for support?
2. What happens to you when you isolate yourself?
3. What are the ways you use activities or new relationships as your strategy to cope with loneliness?
written by Bev van Diepen
guest writer