The health of a relationship can often be determined by several key behaviors. These behaviors serve as relationship warning signs, that unless addressed, can be predictive of divorce and separation. According to John Gottman, Ph.D., a well-respected psychologist and marriage researcher “it is not conflict itself that is the problem, but how we handle it. Venting anger constructively can actually do wonders to clear the air and get a relationship back in balance. However, conflict does become a problem when it is characterized by the presence of what Gottman calls the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
If you are battling with:
Should I or Shouldn’t I?
Do I or Don’t I?
Love ‘Em or Leave ‘Em…
Here’s a reality check!
Are any or all of these warning signs in your current relationship?
1. Criticism.
Criticism involves attacking your partner’s personality or character, rather than focusing on the specific behavior that bothers you. It is healthy to air disagreements, but not to attack your spouse’s personality or character in the process. criticism is “really a way of fueling the attack, so you state your complaint as an attack on the other person.” He noted, “It’s not constructive, it winds up leading to an escalation of the conflict.”
In general, women are more likely to pull this horseman into conflict.
2. Contempt.
Contempt is one step up from criticism and involves tearing down or insulting your partner. “Not only is contempt the best predictor of divorce, because it’s really this air of superiority. Contempt is an open sign of disrespect. Examples of contempt include: putting down your spouse, rolling your eyes or sneering, or tearing down the other person with so-called “humor.”
3. Defensiveness.
Adopting a defensive stance in the middle of conflict may be a natural response, but does not help the relationship. When a person is defensive, he or she often experiences a great deal of tension and has difficulty tuning into what is being said. Denying responsibility, making excuses, blaming or meeting one complaint with another are all examples of defensiveness.
4. Stonewalling.
Or the silent treatment. People who stonewall simply refuse to respond. Occasional stonewalling can be healthy, but as a typical way of interacting, stonewalling during conflict can be destructive to the marriage. When you stonewall on a regular basis, you are pulling yourself out of the marriage, rather than working out your problems. Men tend to engage in stonewalling much more often than women do.
If your relationship is filled with these four issues, take notice!
According to Gottman, all couples will engage in these types of behaviors at some point in their marriage, but when the four horsemen take permanent residence, the relationship has a high likelihood of failing. When attempts to repair the damage done by these horsemen are met with repeated rejection, the relationship will likely end in divorce.
Your options to address the warning signs
1. Stay in the marriage
Seek help, work on yourself and work together as a couple to make improvements. Don’t delay! With work and an investment in overcoming these challenges marriage can improve and become successful. A marriage counselor or a relationship coach would be a valuable asset!
2. Separation (interim)
For the purpose of each individual working on their own issues, and the hope of coming back together again, as healthier people with new ways of communicating and interacting. This interim separation is usually for a specific agreed upon time frame, eg) 6 months, and with healthy boundaries in place, such as: no living together or sex. However, dating and intentional communication is essential and encouraged.
3. Separation and Divorce
As an individual, you begin to prepare yourself for the road ahead, the separation and divorce process. This is the time to seek out a Divorce Coach and become informed about the next steps. This is a long and windy road, yet with direction and guidance, you decide who you want to be in this process and it is possible to take the high road through divorce!
To learn more about Gottman’s Theory, read Dr. John Gottman’s book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”.
If you see these warning signs and would like assistance navigating your options, contact Sandy to book an appointment today with a Certified Divorce Coach! To determine if your relationship needs immediate action, check out Know When to Run – Family Violence.
