The problem of trust is largely internal. You get wounded somewhere, often in your distant past, and then life has a way of confirming the evidence that you cannot trust. You have been hurt so you don’t trust the opposite sex. You realize that if you can attract the kind of relationships you have had then there is something within you that brought that into your lives. So then you don’t trust yourself.
You tend to act out your internal feelings in your relationships. If you are angry you will express anger. If you are lonely you will be possessive to prevent that person from leaving and being lonely again. If you are wounded or in deep pain, there will be pain in the relationship.
You also look to others to fill in your internal gaps. If you lack confidence you look for someone with lots of confidence. Feeling shy you look for someone who is bold or adventurous. If you feel guilty you will find someone who makes you feel guilty. If you are happy you will attract joyful people.
Here you are then, walking out the road to health and wholeness where you are facing what was, and looking now to develop love and friendship.
Where do you find someone?
The answer to where is “right where you are.” People often go to bars, singles groups, and classes in order to meet people. Places where singles meet can be full of hurting, lonely people who are on their road to healing, or not, or only have sex as their goal for being there.
There are many singles that have not learned to deal with the opposite sex other than sexually. Your view can be broader than that. If your goal, just for now, is to meet people, make friends, and heal, then you can be open to whomever you meet, not just the potential love partner. Treat these relationships as opportunities to heal, and as potential friends.
Open your eyes to the possible friends all around you. Go to parties without looking for a bed partner at the end of the evening, and just look for interesting people. Develop as many positive relationships as you can in your life. The more you broaden your interests and personality the more interesting people you will meet.
Overcoming problems of trust can include being really honest about where you are at the next time you go out. You can explain that you want to be with that person, and yet you might be wary and uncertain.
A severe love-wound leads to fear of trusting. There is always the risk of being hurt again, being rejected again. The purpose of these relationships ought to be to learn to trust again and heal the wounds. It may take several friendships and love relationships to heal the wounds and be able to trust again. It will feel risky to try, but this is the path to wholeness.
To think about:
1. What feelings are you expressing in your relationships? Is there a pattern?
2. Do your relationships reflect good feelings or neediness?
3. In what ways are you broadening your interests and personality?
4. In what ways are you developing self-trust and taking risks?
